Consumer Warning

As it turns out, I'm allergic to rentals.

No, really. I took my tux back with time to spare and a noticeable bounce in my step but, upon waking up the following morning, found myself covered from the neck down with the ol' red and itchy. Three days of dermatic irritation ensued, complete with oatmeal baths, ice bags, boo-boo kisses and other such ephemerally satisfying but ultimately futile home remedies. At first, of course, I thought I was suffering a bout of poison sumac; by the end of day one, blemished from head to toe with red blotches and pink streaks, moaning pitifully all the while, I could have been fairly mistaken for a calamine zombie (and accordingly dispatched).

This has some pretty tragic implications. I may never be able to wear a chicken suit, for example. And I guess I'll have to buy my wedding dress, instead of that new car that seems perpetually out of reach. Wait, what happens if I ever need to rent a car? The worst case of road rash this world has ever seen, I believe.

A warning to the superhistaminic would-be skinflint: try it, but buy it. Or suffer the consequences. Side effects may include severe itchiness and/or swelling, brief moments of insanity, an overwhelming desire to thrash your best friend for making you wear the stupid tux in the first place, and smelling for days like oatmeal.